Ah Starbucks. That wonderful place that smells of ground coffee beans and chocolate sprinkles. It invites you in with the alluring promise of something hot, iced, steamy, pink or delightfully crumbly yet slightly stale. You can be served by the pretty girl with spacers in her ears or the guy who obviously spends way too much time styling his hair in the mornings, but whichever you get, you can always be sure that you’ll get that overpriced matcha green tea latte in an hour or less. You’ll even get something similar to your name scrawled across your cup.
But as you stand there admiring the dimmed lighting and nice contrast of green and brown decor, you feel something approaching. Something alien and misunderstood… They come in hordes, glasses flashing under manicured brows and a cloud of artfully mussed up hair. There’s no warning click-clack-click of approaching heels, no no. Heels are far too mainstream for them. But if you listen closely you might hear a faint squeak of Converse or Vans, or maybe the whistle of five different layers of clothing as they get closer, and closer….the Hipsters.
Oh yes the Hipsters! One guarantee in life is that wherever a Starbucks crops up, the surrounding area will be flooded with Hipsters within five and a half hours. There’s always the danger of White Girls too…but I’ll get to them later. Starbucks bring out the Hipsters in any area, of any town, of any city, of any region. Like moths to the flame they come! Something about the eco-friendly, hippie image of the place just “gets” them. It’s like their international symbol. Think about it, picture a hipster. Right now. They’re taking an Instagram photo of their Starbucks cup aren’t they?
Here’s my theory. All Hipsters will flock to any Starbucks location within a ten mile radius at least once per day. In fact, Starbucks creates Hipsters. It’s like an airborne mutation that floats into the world from the strong coffee aroma emanating from the stores themselves. Soon enough, Hipsters compose such a large part of the local demographic that other stores start popping up. Forever 21, Roots, Apple, and Victorias Secret start pushing themselves into local malls and plazas, spreading their own Hipster-mutations and soon…all those under 25 are walking around in jeans so tight that the biggest concern is visible panty lines.
So take this warning. Read it, write it down in your journal, jot it on post-it notes and stick them to the foreheads of passers-by. If a Starbucks opens its doors within ten miles of your house…you have five and a half hours. Six if you’re lucky. Remember the Hipsters. Spread the word.